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TransYouth Family Allies (TYFA)
1-888-IMA-TYFA or email us at info@imatyfa.org
TYFA empowers children and families by partnering with educators,
service providers and communities, to develop supportive environments in which
gender may be expressed and respected.
TYFA is working toward a society free of suicide and violence
in which ALL children are respected and celebrated.

BlogHer - Transgender Children

Additional Trans-Youth Resources

The National Center for Transgender Equality

Transsexual Videos

Deep Stealth Transsexual Video Series

Transgender Emergency Fund
The Transgender Emergency Fund (TEF) was created to provide critical assistance
to low-income transgender people. Through the fund's intervention, transpeople have been
able to avoid homelessness, maintain access to health care, and live with greater dignity and stability.

Randi Ettner (Chicago, IL)
World Famous Transgender Therapist & Author of 3 Transgender Books.
She is a world-renowned expert on transgenderism,
having authored three critically-acclaimed books on the subject,
Gender Loving Care and Confessions of a Gender Defender.
She addresses conferences around the world, and receives frequent invitations
to appear on network television, including Oprah, Dateline NBC and ABC’s 20/20.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randi_Ettner
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Studies Reveal Why Kids Get Bullied and Rejected

Kids who get bullied and snubbed by peers may be more likely to have problems in other parts of their lives,
past studies have shown. And now researchers have found at least three factors in a child's behavior
that can lead to social rejection.

The factors involve a child's inability to pick up on and respond to nonverbal cues from their pals.

In the United States, 10 to 13 percent of school-age kids experience some form of rejection by their peers.
In addition to causing mental health problems, bullying and social isolation can increase the likelihood a
child will get poor grades, drop out of school, or develop substance abuse problems, the researchers say.

"It really is an under-addressed public health issue,"
said lead researcher Clark McKown of the Rush Neurobehavioral Center in Chicago.

And the social skills children gain on the playground or elsewhere could show up later in life,
according to Richard Lavoie, an expert in child social behavior who was not involved with the study.
Unstructured playtime - that is, when children interact without the guidance of an authority figure -
is when children experiment with the relationship styles they will have as adults, he said.

Underlying all of this: "The number one need of any human is to be liked by other humans," Lavoie told LiveScience.
"But our kids are like strangers in their own land." They don't understand the basic rules of operating in society
and their mistakes are usually unintentional, he said.

Social rejection

In two studies, McKown and colleagues had a total of 284 children, ages 4 to 16 years old, watch movie clips
and look at photos before judging the emotions of the actors based on their facial expressions,
tones of voice and body postures. Various social situations were also described and the children were questioned
about appropriate responses.

The results were then compared to parent/teacher accounts of the participants' friendships and social behavior.

Kids who had social problems also had problems in at least one of three different areas of nonverbal communication:
reading nonverbal cues; understanding their social meaning; and coming up with options for resolving a social conflict.

A child, for example, simply may not notice a person's scowl of impatience or understand what a tapped foot means.
Or she may have trouble reconciling the desires of a friend with her own. "It is important to try to pinpoint the area or
areas in a child's deficits and then build those up," McKown explained.

Ways to help

When children have prolonged struggles with socializing, "a vicious cycle begins," Lavoie said.
Shunned children have few opportunities to practice social skills, while popular kids are busy perfecting theirs.
However, having just one or two friends can be enough to give a child the social practice he or she needs, he said.

Parents, teachers and other adults in a child's life can help, too. Instead of reacting with anger or
embarrassment to a child who, say, asks Aunt Mindy if her new hairdo was a mistake,
parents should teach social skills with the same tone they use for teaching long division or proper hygiene.
If presented as a learning opportunity, rather than a punishment, children usually appreciate the lesson.

"Most kids are so desperate to have friends, they just jump on board," Lavoie said.

To teach social skills, Lavoie advises a five-step approach in his book "It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend:
Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success" (Touchstone, 2006). The process works for children with or without learning disabilities and is best conducted immediately after a transgression has been made.

1) Ask the child what happened and listen without judgment.

2) Ask the child to identify their mistake. (Often children only know that someone got upset,
but don't understand their own role in the outcome.)

3) Help the child identify the cue they missed or mistake they made, by asking something like:
"How would you feel if Emma was hogging the tire swing?" Instead of lecturing with the word "should,"
offer options the child "could" have taken in the moment, such as: "You could have asked Emma to join you or told
her you would give her the swing after your turn."

4) Create an imaginary but similar scenario where the child can make the right choice. For example, you could say,
"If you were playing with a shovel in the sand box and Aiden wanted to use it, what would you do?"

5) Lastly, give the child "social homework" by asking him to practice this new skill, saying:
"Now that you know the importance of sharing, I want to hear about something you share tomorrow."

The studies are detailed in the current issue of the Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology.
They were funded by the Dean and Rosemarie Buntrock Foundation and the William T. Grant Foundation.
=======================================================================================

A Parent's Dilemma, the Transgender Child
By Gianna E. Israel

Dear Gianna:
My 14-year old son, Martin, was recently sent home from school for wearing girls' clothing and insisting that
his teachers and peers call him "Monique." This is the 3rd time this has happened since we moved,
and he started going to a new school. Please help -- I'm worried that other parents may ask us to keep our
child away from their children.. Is this a phase that will go away? How can I help Martin live a normal life?
Signed, A Concerned Parent.

My readers, the preceding is a letter I recently received from a mother who felt deeply concerned for her child.
Panic is frequently one of the first responses caring parents experience when they perceive something is
amiss with their child. Questions are asked when gender or sexual identity issues arise. What did we do wrong?
Is my child mentally ill? What will others think if they find out? How do I deal with this shocking news?
Regardless of the child's age, most parents feel confused, angry, self-doubting,
and deeply worried when they learn of their child's crossdressing or gender identity issues.
These feelings are frequently exacerbated by the parents' belief that there is no place to turn for help.

Some parents in their search for answers turn to a school counselor, local therapist or even their church minister.
Unfortunately, in most circumstances these persons are not familiar with gender identity or sexual orientation issues.
If a child crossdresses or has gender issues the parents may assume or be misled into believing that their
child may susceptible to having a socially unacceptable sexual orientation. It is true, particularly during puberty,
that a child is likely to questions about gender and sexuality, however there are identifiers that differentiate these
two separate but equally important components of self-identity.

In the simplest of terms, sexual orientation defines who a person finds attractive for sexual interaction.
This may include persons of the same, opposite or both genders.
Gender identity defines how a person identifies his or her role (male or female), and how he or she presents it
to the world. While most adults are comfortable with their "birth" gender and sexual orientation,
there are some persons who find themselves dealing with personal questions during different stages of life.
Asking these types of questions is a healthy part of self-development,
and may be engaged in by males and females at any age.

For people dealing with gender issues, some find their outward physical appearance does not match
their internal gender identification. This happens to be the case for the transsexual and transgenderist individual.
Transsexuals are those who transition socially, hormonally and surgically and live permanently as a
member of the opposite gender. Transgenderists may live "in role" as a member of the opposite gender.
Typically they are not interested in genital reassignment. Because transgenderists have a more fluid
approach to gender, some are interested in hormones while others may seek cosmetic surgery.
Within the transgender community, some persons may not wish to self-identity with either gender identity
and choose an androgynous manner of dress or unisex presentation. This is particularly so for young adults,
although as most progress toward adulthood they will adopt a firmer gender orientation leaving only a small
proportion who permanently self-identify as androgyne individuals or as members of the transgender community.

There are also persons who feel perfectly comfortable with their gender yet need to crossdress in order to
relieve anxiety, reduce stress or to get in touch with their opposite-gendered feelings.
These crossdressers or transvestites, are rarely interested in hormones, surgery or living as a member of the
opposite gender. Within transgender populations, crossdressers are the least visible individuals.
Most are unlikely to express their needs openly to family or friends, and few are likely to go out in public crossdressed.
Youth who are caught crossdressing and subsequently humiliated, are likely to keep their needs deeply hidden so as
to not be found out again. Rather than dealing with this issue during childhood their crossdressing needs are more likely
to reappear with adulthood, when they can no longer hold back and face times of crisis or major change.

Generally, most young adults find themselves examining many types of questions as they develop a separate
identity distinctly rooted in their own needs and experiences. This dynamic is also true for children who have
questions about gender identity. In fact, the largest proportion of these individuals frequently do not make firm
"transition" oriented decisions until close to adulthood or later. As a result they are frequently referred to as
gender-questioning youth. This group of young persons over time tomorrow's transsexuals, transgenderists,
crossdressers, persons attracted to transgender individuals, those who repress gender issues as well as
persons who develop non-transgender identities.

Understanding this dynamic suggest the frequently asked question, "Is this a phase?"
I regularly hear this inquiry from parents of children and adults. In part, their may be based in denial, a cry,
"No, not my child!" Overall, most parents really do want the best for their child, regardless of age.
Most do not want to see their children unnecessarily suffer or care to have friends and family question their
efficacy as parents. Some parents with adult children may ask whether gender issues is a phase out of a difficulty
in allowing their child to build an identity and experiences separate from family or social expectations.
Nearly all parents fear the awful stereotypes that the media uses when characterizing transgender persons.
Most are not aware that transgender persons are with the exception of being differently gendered much like
other persons they may know.

To answer the question posed at the beginning of the article, there several criteria which help determine if the
child really has crossgender issues or is going through a phase. Do the child's questions about gender arise regularly?
Does the individual consistently express he or she has gender issues or has adopted an opposite gender identity?
Are attempts to crossdress made regularly? If, "yes," is the answer to any of those questions,
there is a strong possibility that this is not a phase. The individual may likely have special gender issues and needs.
These criteria are generally applicable to both youth and adults, except for closeted crossdressers who are the
least likely to bring gender questions to the forefront unless actually in crisis or caught in the act.

When a child begins asking questions about gender identity or starts crossdressing parents frequently begin
looking for a cure. There is, however, no cure for having a transgender identity or an individual having the need
to crossdress. As mentioned previously, the first place parents of children with gender issues turn for help is
usually within their local community. Unfortunately most mental health professionals are not familiar with
gender identity issues. This is because with the exception of actively practicing gender specialists or clinical sexologists,
the vast majority of mental health professionals have no training or experience working with transsexuals,
transgenderists, crossdressers or gender-questioning youth. Subsequently many parents invest large amounts of
time and money into psychotherapy for the child.

Tragically, like young gays and lesbians of previous years, today's transgender children may fall victim to a
mental health professional's insistence that such behavior is abnormal or transitional.
Some professionals may also claim that a transgender behavior can be cured or reprogrammed.
There are documented cases of children and adults being subjected to noxious methods including: shock therapy,
confinement, institutionalization, violence, verbal abuse, etc. No matter how well-intended these activities amount
to nothing more than human rights' abuse. No adult or child should be subject to such abuse in effort to make him
or her conform to social stereotypes, particularly when varying gender identities are part of the human experience.

If there is any "cure" for children or youth with gender identity issues, it can be found within the keywords acceptance,
androgyny, compromise and communication.. It is important for parents to recognize that children need to be accepted
for who they are, not for what others perceive they should be. This is also true for children with gender identity issues.
There is a variety of gender specialized material which indicates that having a transgender identity or crossdressing
needs is not mentally disordered, mentally diseased or abnormal. Once that fact is recognized, it is easy to
understand that the majority of difficulties transgender persons face do not originate internally or from their own
question-asking process. Rather, the origin of their difficulties is external, resulting from the abuse, harassment
and violence transgender persons face from people who cannot accept differences in others..
Parents can play a major role in teaching children how to communicate effectively and counteract abuse from
others who cannot accept differences.

Looking at gender issues from a larger perspective, all cultures have varying degrees of acceptance and
permissiveness toward androgynous individuals. Adopting a unisex or bigendered presentation is a safe option
for children and adults who need to explore gender identity issues, are in the beginning stages of transition,
or are unable to crossdress publicly because they have not built sufficient opposite-gendered presentation skills.
While many adults are locked into gender-specific social stereotypes, youth often embrace androgyny
as a form of self-expression, whether or not they have questions about gender identity.
Remarkably those youth who do adopt an androgynous presentation, as well as those who openly explore issues
of gender and sexuality, frequently have an advantage over their peers who simply conform to stereotypes.
In establishing independence in dress and presentation they also build communication skills and coping
strategies that will be advantageous later in life.

Many parents are surprised initially when they hear a gender specialist state that compromise is the best approach
to supporting children or youth who have strong transgender needs and feelings.
After all, aren't parents supposed to know what is best for their child? Not always. Parents are not provided a
"training manual" when they have children, whether their children have gender issues or not.
Building mutually acceptable compromises can include asking the child to dress in original gender clothing for
formal events such as weddings but allowing the child to dress androgynously for school and peer activities.
Or, children who insist on using opposite gender names can be encouraged to adopt an androgynous name
until they are old enough to be certain they want to change their name permanently.
Examples include: Mickie, Bobbie or Joni. More fully developed gender transition plans or crossdressed presentations
should be adopted only after both parent and child have consulted with a gender specialized therapist or sexologist.

Communication is the final keyword for a healthy relationship between parents and children, and is a crucial
component to dealing with gender identity issues. Even if parents cannot fully understand what their child is experiencing,
children of all ages need their parent's love, acceptance and compassion. If you have a transgender child,
remind him or her that your love is unconditional, regardless of whether you find their experiences or identity
difficult to understand or accept. Relationships are most fragile when talking stops, becomes unproductive or one-sided.
While parents may be charged with the responsibility of caring for their children, as children move through youth
and into adulthood they need the opportunity to build social skills and an separate identity in order to survive independently.

The price of not talking about these processes or encouraging children to become independent is very costly.
Youth who are continually forced to comply with social stereotypes may develop behavioral problems or depression.
Like adult transgender persons, they may also become estranged from family relationships.
Youth who become disillusioned with their families may end up homeless and at risk of victimization and disease.
Some may commit suicide, leaving others with no explanation or insight into the pain they were suffering.
As adults, those youth who were not permitted to give voice to gender identity issues may find themselves in
tremendous anguish later in life. Tragically, these children frequently become the very stereotype the parent
had hoped to prevent...a gender conflicted adult who self destructs careers and relationships as well as their own children.

Occasionally parents respond with shock or dismay upon finding out their son or daughter has gender identity
issues or crossdresses. While some parents may have suspected or denied it, many never imagined such a possibility.
This is particularly true in situations where the grown children adopted stereotyped roles and socially-acceptable
gender behaviors in order to mask their gender identity issues or crossdressing needs.
While it may be difficult to accept that your child has these issues, and it may not initially be possible to offer
validation or acceptance, please remember that your child needs your love and compassion.
Do not reject your son or daughter because this may result in unresolvable differences.

While some parents may believe that their child is not well and needs help, others may think they themselves
need help. In addition to looking for a cure, these parents frequently ask, "What did we do wrong."
Chances are, probably nothing. After all, if a child is asking self-examination questions, a parent is likely to have done
more right than wrong. While parental self-doubt is not be useful to anyone, asking questions is healthy.
The following are some useful questions to start with: How can I keep communication lines open even though I am
not familiar with gender issues or crossdressing? Where can I send my son or daughter for support and validation,
particularly when I don't know how to offer it right now? Which is more important, fulfilling social stereotypes and other's expectations or giving my child an opportunity to develop a healthy, gender identity?

If you are a parent with a son or daughter who has transgender issues, whether or not he or she lives under your roof,
I advise you read about gender issues from recognized sources of current information.
Do not rely on television talk shows or uninformed persons, it is likely their facts are sensationalistic or extremely biased.
Instead, seek advice from a gender-specializing counselor or sexologist. If your child has questions,
refer him or her to gender-specialized help, also.

"Cross-dressing and the Trojan War"
By Harley Jane Kozak

One of the big fringe benefits of being a writer is research, and the enlightenment it brings.

For instance:

My four year old son cross-dresses.
He comes home from school and gets into pretty dresses—silks, satins and velvets are his favorites,
with beading or flowers—then loads up on hair ornaments, nail polish, high heels, evening bags, makeup and jewelry.
He also likes to advise me on my wardrobe. It’s like living with Isaak Mizrahi.
Lately he’s been pushing on me a certain slinky black silk number with attached feather boa
that he considers suitable for carpool, jogging, and shopping at Costco.

I don’t have statistics—or J. Edgar Hoover—on hand, but my understanding is that cross-dressing is
independent of sexual preference—i.e., there are lots of heterosexual guys out there wearing lingerie.
I can’t speak to this as far as my son is concerned, because he’s not quite four years old.

And none of it troubled me till this week, when my son announced his plans to wear ruby slippers
and turn into a girl when he grows up. His sister informed him that he would NEVER become a girl,
because he’s a BOY and would always be a boy, because THAT’S HOW LIFE IS.

“Actually,” I started to say, “he can become a girl someday, if he wants to,
and he can certainly wear ruby slippers, assuming he can find them in his size” but was this the time for the transgender/transvestite/gay/straight discussion?

They’ll figure it out eventually. If they pay attention at the next family reunion they’ll notice there’s
quite a bit of diversity under that tent. Which leaves me with my own mixed feelings on the subject.

I love gay people. I grew up in theater. I did musicals. Half my professional influences were gay,
and most of my closest friends. The problem is, the majority of them are now dead.
I came of age in New York and L.A. when the Sexual Revolution ran smack into AIDS,
so I can’t even listen to show tunes now without weeping into my espresso.

For most of my friends, it wasn’t all LA CAGE AUX FOLLES, or even BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.
I come from Nebraska, BOYS DON’T CRY country. Every person I know with any kind of alternative gender
or sexual preference issue lived through hell while coming to terms with it.

So when I think about my son and anyone taking issue with his evening gown and chiffon scarf, I get all worked up.
Violent images run through my mind, the kind that end in lawsuits.
Good mothers do not commit assault, do they? But what do they do?
Warn their children about the dangers of complete self-expression in social situations?

I found the answer in Homer (no, NOT Homer Simpson).
Homer. THE ILIAD...
Which I’m slogging through as research for my novel-in-progress.
Guess what I found out yesterday? Achilles’s mother, Thetis, knowing her son wouldn’t survive the Trojan War,
tried to keep him from being recruited into the Greek Army by dressing him in women's clothing.
Now this isn’t a scene you’ll find in the Brad Pitt film, TROY (why not?) and also, it didn’t work.
But it reminded me that there are worse things in life for a child than falling outside the mainstream.

And you can bet that if they reinstate the draft, in about fourteen years,
I’m lending my son that slinky black number with attached feather boa to wear to his Army interview.

Can’t hurt, right?? ;o)