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How to Tell If Your Guy Is Lying
A former ex-CIA polygraph examiner offers tips to help identify if
your boyfriend is fibbing.
By Nicole Jurick for Hitchedmag.com
It's not always easy to recognize when your guy
isn't telling the truth.
But there are subtle cues that indicate he's trying to fudge the facts.
To help awaken your inner lie detector -- and prevent dishonesty from
floating in your relationship --
we called in ex-CIA polygraph examiner Dan Crum, author of the new book
"Is He Lying To You?"
At one time or another your guy has probably said something that sounded
a little fishy.
The bachelor party ended at 10 p.m.; the auto mechanic made him invest
in a bigger engine; he's allergic to opera.
In fact, men tell twice as many lies as women, most of which are just
little white lies,
according to a new survey from 20th Century Fox to mark the DVD launch
of the TV series "Lie To Me."
"Men lie to preserve their ego," Crum explains. "They don't want to
spoil the reputation they've worked hard to earn."
So if he wants you to think of him as reliable, he may fib that he made
that phone call to the insurance company a week ago --
and then make a note to do it tomorrow. Other times, lying is simply the
easy way out, especially if he thinks
the truth will get him in trouble, Crum says. Maybe he drove his female
coworker home because her car broke down,
but tells you he drove home alone so you won't get worked up.
Even though small fibs seem harmless, these little white lies can
undermine a sense of trust in your relationship.
"When men get away with small, insignificant fibs, it builds their lying
comfort level," Crum says.
"The more practice he gets, the higher your risk that he'll lie about
bigger things down the line."
But you don't need to hook him up to a polygraph machine to pick up on
deception. These simple tactics can help you spot the lie,
get him talking truthfully, and pave the way for a more trusting and
1. Take a mental picture of his usual behavior. The way your guy
behaves verbally and non-verbally when he's relaxed is what
Crum calls a man's WIN (what is normal). The next time you are talking
about the weather, plans for the weekend, or any
other no-pressure topic, take note of his WIN -- does he clear his
throat or gesture when he speaks?
Only when you know his WIN will you be able to pick up on the subtle
changes in body language, speech, and tone of voice
that occur when he's trying to hide something.
2. Watch his posture. You can notice the first sign of deception
by watching how your guy's body reacts to a question.
"When a man is at ease, he typically sits back in the chair, rests his
hands on his legs or the arms of a chair, and crosses his legs,"
Crum says. These restful positions are called his sleep points. A
question that he feels is threatening will cause those
sleep points to "wake up." You'll notice him sit up, lean forward,
uncross his legs, or display a new hand gesture.
3. Ask the right questions. If your guy gave you reason to
suspect he is lying and you want the truth,
the way in which you question him can make or break his admission, says
Let's say you ask him if he enjoyed the lunch that you packed him for
work. If he says yes, but based on the reaction of his
sleep points you feel like he's lying, your best strategy is to drop the
subject for now.
"If you accuse him of lying or bombard him with questions, he'll either
go on the defensive or continue lying," Crum says.
"Plus, he'll be more on guard next time you bring it up." Instead, give
yourself time to find evidence that he's lying,
or think about how you want to approach the subject next time.
Then, try one of these questioning strategies:
4. Ask an assumptive question. If you think he is being
untruthful, you can turn that assumption into a question. In this case,
you might assume that he went out for lunch and ask, "Where did you end
up going for lunch yesterday?"
"This creates the opportunity for him to acknowledge the truth without
feeling pressured," Crum explains.
"Plus, because the question forces him to come up with more than a yes
or no response,
it may be easier for him to come clean rather than think of an answer
that makes sense."
5. Use a bait question. If you find evidence of deception --
maybe you found the bag of lunch in the back of his car or a receipt
from the pizzeria near his office -- you can use that evidence as bait
to force an explanation.
Try: "Is there any reason why there's a receipt for $10 from the
By asking about the evidence -- not pointing fingers -- he doesn't feel
personally attacked, which makes him more likely to be honest.
And maybe he'll admit that he doesn't really like tuna casserole, even
if it was packed with love.
The Signs of Deception
If you still suspect your man is lying, note the common signs
of deception so you can decide for yourself if he's being honest.
These signals should throw up a red flag:
Stalling for time: "Can we talk about this later?"
or repeating the question.
Defensiveness: "I don't have to answer that."
Excuses: "I would never do that." Or, "I would never jeopardize
Searching for specifics: "What's your point?" Or, "What are you
trying to figure out?"
What ifs: "What if I said yes?"
Amnesia: "Not that I can remember." Or, "To the best of my
Details: Truthful men tell you the truth and answer your
question, not tell you the whole story behind the truth.
Deceptive men load up their response with more details than are
necessary to answer your question.
Guilt twists: "Do you really think I would do that?" Or, "I
thought you trusted me."
Sounds: Clearing his throat, coughing, voice change.
Qualifiers: "To be perfectly honest..." Or, "To tell you the
Fidgeting: Leg movements, shifting, tapping his
Gesturing: Such as rubbing or wringing hands
Adjusting: Messing with his watch, glasses, or jewelry
Biting or inspecting his nails
Abnormal eye contact
Cleaning up his surroundings: Particularly when he's not usually
Dating 101: Have
You Found Your Soul Mate?
10 indications that you may have
found The One
By dating expert Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.
Do you believe there is a soul mate out there for you?
Well, you're not alone. Studies from the University of Virginia have
shown that over 90% of young adults believe in the concept.
And 88% believe that destiny has determined that there is one and only
one person who is your soul mate.
The concept of the soul mate is thousands of years old and probably was
originated by the Greek philosopher Plato.
Plato described a soul mate as the person's "other half" that has been
split from him.
The quest of life is to find your missing half. That theme has been
explored in movies like "The Butcher's Wife,"
"The Time Traveler's Wife," and "City of Angels."
Other views of soul mates include reincarnation: our soul mate is
someone with whom we have shared other lives.
The soul mate concept also carries with it the belief that a perfect
person exists for us, if only we could find him or her --
then love and life would be easy. This belief has created a lot of
trouble for people, especially in the area of commitment.
By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many people have walked away
from really great potential partners. Why?
Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or that he/she
didn't match their ideal of The One.
So they've ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. The
renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said,
"Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul
Having been a psychologist for more than 25 years, and married to one
guy for the same long stretch,
I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not
my husband. Not any of my many clients, friends,
or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal
discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.
Scientists have found that scent plays a role in physical attraction and
Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels
are more compatible.
While I don't believe in The One perfect person idea, I do believe that
there are better matches for us.
And if we are with one of these people, we are more likely to have the
experience of being with the one who is a soul mate
(which I have had personally and can tell you, is a marvelous thing!).
So chances are, there is more
than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are
less than perfect.
But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay
Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The
1. When you're together you feel like you've come home.
2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by
3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid "knowing" of
what each of you means.
4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the
creation of a family life.
5. When you're together the world seems like a better place.
6. Your mood is elevated when you're together.
It's not necessarily
passion or excitement, although that's there too at times.
7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that's been
Perhaps it's her assertiveness or his joy of adventure.
But it's something that when added to your life, makes you feel more
8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are
9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.
10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad
habits and becoming more loving people.
Don't worry if you don't feel all 10 of these things when you're with
That's where the imperfection comes in -- either in you or your partner.
If you are experiencing six or more of these markers,
chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having
all of these qualities.
Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer
and better over time.
And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience
after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!
Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think.
So go out there and start looking.
Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in
marvelous and magical ways.
8 Dating Mistakes
Even Smart Women Make
Trying to make your new
relationship last or just looking to avoid a repeat of your latest
Follow our guide to finding Mr. Right. (No, it’s not impossible!)
by Brenda Della Casa
Dating Mistake #1: Being
We’re not suggesting you
play games, but we are telling you to indulge your passions and resist
the urge to abandon
your social circle every time your new man sends an invitation. Take
Sebastian, 34, from Chicago, for example:
“When I was single, there were women I initially liked who seemed to be
waiting by the phone for me to call,
which let me know if I didn’t meet someone else I wanted to date, I had
There just wasn’t anything to work for, and that turned me off,” he
The more you engage in and enjoy your life, the more he’ll work to be a
part of it.
Dating Mistake #2: Trying
to Rehabilitate a Bad Boy
Ending a relationship is
rarely easy, and though flying solo might not be your long-term goal,
being on your own is
better than feeling alone in a relationship with someone who treats you
Even when it might be tempting to give a toxic romance one more try,
knowing when to cut your losses and move on
leaves you available and baggage-free when the right guy comes along.
25 Things That Keep Him Hooked and Happy
Dating Mistake #3:
Looking for Perfection
Encouraging you to settle
isn’t our style, but separating your desires from your deal-breakers can
give your love life a major upgrade.
“There are some qualities that your mate must have—being honest, for
such as movie-star looks, that should be thrown in the would-be-nice
says Elizabeth R. Lombardo, Ph.D., author of
A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “
Sit down and realistically figure out what characteristics are
nonnegotiable and then be open-minded about the rest.”
Dating Mistake #4:
Feeling Sorry for Yourself
Resist the urge to bemoan
your single status (which will only make him wonder why you find
yourself such terrible company)
and use this time to date yourself. Taking a dance class at the local
studio, hitting up the exhibit you have been aching
to see and trying out the new wine bar on the corner will not only offer
you the chance to have more fun but will also
leave you more likely to meet someone who shares your interests. So much
better than sitting in your apartment waiting
for someone to “wink” at your online profile picture, isn’t it? Another
bonus? You’ll have far more interesting things to talk
about over dinner than what your boss made you do on your lunch break
Dating Mistake #5:
Knowing His Thread-Count Before You Know His Phone Number
Getting it on with a sexy
stranger is your natural-born right, but according to many guys, it can
be the wrong move if you’re
looking for long-term love.
Follow the advice of
super-sexy leading man Gilles Marini (he was Samantha’s sexy neighbor in
Sex and the City: The Movie):
“Men love women who respect themselves and who do not rush into bed with
them but instead go on a few dates,
where they can start to gain an understanding of each other and then
decide whether or not to take things further.
Women need to know that taking it slow and getting to know one another
is the best way to get into a good relationship,” he says.
See our tips:
12 Things Guys Wish You Knew in Bed
Dating Mistake #6: Being
Too Selfish in Your Relationship
One of the downsides of
being independent is that it can lead to some self-absorbed tendencies—
a huge turnoff for men looking for a serious relationship, says Ming
Gregory, a professional matchmaker at
Color Blind International Dating Service. So make sure you’re giving as
much as you’re receiving in your next relationship. “
A partnership involves two people who share mutual interests and
mutually benefit one another,” she says.
“It’s not just about what being with him can provide you; it’s about how
you can come together to complement each other.”
Dating Mistake #7:
Believing in The One
“A lot of women make
dating more difficult by placing so much pressure on themselves to find
one-and-only-man-in-a-billion they believe is right for them,” says Ali,
35, from Gaithersburg, Maryland.
Instead of convincing
yourself the ex you dumped was your soul mate or that
perfect-but-married co-worker was
your one that got away, take a cue from our male counterparts and
approach the dating scene with the idea that there are
plenty of men who are capable of making you laugh, sharing your values
and melting your heart, and you’re going to
have fun with several of them until you find one worthy of your
Dating Mistake #8:
Forgetting Your Manners
We can’t imagine this is
something you’d ever do, but a little reminder never hurts: Say thank
“Good manners have become
so old-fashioned that men now wait for the thank-you at the end of the
date as a way to
see if she’s worth seeing again,” says Brian, 30, from New York City.
“I don’t care if the woman looks like Kate Beckinsale and has a Ph.D.;
if she can’t be bothered to utter those two little words, I am never
calling her again.”